Death and Reservations
by parselslyth
Summary: Harry is depressed after his fifth year at Hogwarts. He blames himself for his godfather’s death and thinks nobody cares about him, other than to use him in the fight against Voldemort. Warnings: Swearing, death, reference to child abuse, neglect and rape
1. This is how I feel

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own Harry Potter, surprising though that may be. JK Rowling owns the character, I'm just expanding on what she provides.

**Summary: **Harry is depressed after his fifth year at Hogwarts. He blames himself for his godfather's death and thinks that nobody cares about him, other than to use him in the fight against Voldemort. This is all told from Harry's point of view.

**Warnings: **Character death, swearing, reference to child abuse.

**Death and Reservations**

He sends me here year after year. He knows the truth; he knows what they do to me. Dumbledore knows that I hate returning to the Dursley's, and he knows exactly why. He won't let me stay at Hogwarts. He won't let me stay at The Burrow. He knew since my first year, when the letter was addressed to 'the cupboard under the stairs'. He doesn't care, nobody cares, nobody gives a shit about their fucking savior.

They say I'm protected from Voldemort here. They say this is the safest place for me. But how safe is it really? What if I die here at the hands of my so-called 'relatives'? I'm already dieing, I haven't eaten for five days. If I died, nobody would know, not until next year. And then it would be too late. What could they do?

Or I could end it, right now. I could so easily cut myself, and bleed to death on this cold bathroom floor. Then those bastards would be sorry. They'd be sorry for putting the weight of the world on the shoulders of a teenager. They'd be sorry they fucked up. They'd be sorry they continuously placed me in a house with that sadistic bastard who is supposed to be my uncle. But it would be too late.

I can't stop thinking about the last time _he_ came to my room. The last time _he_ beat the crap out of me. I remember feeling the blood running down my back, I remember the sickening crunching as _he_ stepped on my wrist and ground down so hard that the bones crushed and protruded through my skin. I remember _him_ calling me a worthless freak and telling me that I deserved it.

I did deserve it though. It's my punishment, punishment for killing Sirius. People keep telling me it wasn't me fault, but it was my fault. It was my fault that my parents died, it was my fault that Cedric died, and it was my fault that Sirius died. Voldemort wasn't trying to kill them; he was trying to kill me.

And now I hold my future in my own hands. It's the one thing that I have control over, my own life and death. And I could end it, right now. It would be so easy. And in a few years, the boy-who-lived would just be another fairy tale. I could end my pain. I have been the cause of so many deaths, by doing this, I could prevent further deaths.

I'm sorry Ron for doing this, you'll have to find a new seeker for the team. I'm sorry Hermione for doing this, you'll have to find someone else to study with (I know Ron won't study with you). I'm sorry Ginny for doing this, I do love you, and always will. I'm sorry Dumbledore and the rest of the wizarding world for doing this, you'll have to find a new fucking savior.

I can feel the blade cutting my skin. I can see the blood running down my arm. I can feel the freedom. I know it will soon be over, I will soon be free of the burden placed upon from the moment the killing curse was aimed at me. I am going to be with my parents, I am going to be with Cedric, I'm going to be with Sirius. Where I belong.

Things are getting a bit foggy now, I think I'll cut again before I faint. I want to make sure I only have to do this once. More blood, so much blood. I tried to keep it in the sink but it's falling on the floor. I can't hold my hand up high enough to keep it in the sink. The floor is warm and wet with blood beneath my knees. But the tiles are cold and hard. I want to stand and move somewhere where I'll not be cold against the floor when I faint, but I don't have the strength to move.

The floor is coming at me, too fast. I can no longer keep my eyes open. I can feel my world ebbing away. Oh, fuck, maybe I shouldn't have done this. I think I'm having reservations, it's too late for that. My head just hit the tiles, but I barely felt it. I can't feel much right now, the world is going black. I know this is the end. I'm going to die. I can feel myself losing my tenuous grasp on consciousness.

Goodbye, I'm sorry.


	2. Trio no more

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own Harry Potter, surprising though that may be. JK Rowling owns the character, I'm just expanding on what she provides.

**Chapter 2 – Trio no Longer: **By request, I decided to make another chapter; there will be a few more as I explain each person's reactions. I tried to stay true to character; Hermione upset because she should have known, and Ron showing true Weasley temper. No swearing in this one but mention of character death and reference to child abuse.

HERMIONE

How could we not have known? Why did nobody realize? I was so stupid. I knew you feared and disliked touch. I knew you were always too thin after the holidays. I knew you had nightmares. I knew you were grieving. But I never knew it was that bad. I never opened my eyes wide enough to look for the signs, not in you, the savior. I should have guessed. I just didn't think, I never thought you'd end it. I never thought you were that broken. I always thought you were so strong.

This is all my fault. I should have asked you about it. I should have questioned you on how you felt after Sirius died. I bet you were feeling guilty about that. I bet you blamed yourself. I should have made you talk about it. I should have found out the truth. Oh if I could change things now. I would. I would go back in time and alter the past. I would bring you back. I wouldn't have you blame yourself for Sirius. I would have been there for you.

What was is Dumbledore said; something about abuse? Did he mean it was worse than you not being fed a lot? Did Dumbledore not know? How bad was it? How badly were you abused? Was that why you ended it? Was it the abuse? I should have asked you about this too. I could have helped you through it. I should have known about the abuse. I should have been a better friend. I can't believe I was so ignorant of your problems. Did Ron know? Did Ginny know? Did Sirius know? Did you ever tell anyone? Or did everyone know? Was I the only one left in the dark? Some friend I was.

I shouldn't be feeling this guilt. Yet maybe I deserve it. Is this how you felt? Am I just getting what I deserve? I am to blame for this. It's all my fault. This is justice, the way I feel. It's tearing my up side, yet I know it must have been worse for you. It must have been hell. I deserve this pain. You shouldn't have had to go through that pain alone. I didn't help you when I could have. I was so blind.

RON

Why the hell did you do this mate? I just don't get it. I thought you were stronger than this. I didn't realize how much you were hurting. Why didn't you come to me? Why didn't you tell me how you felt? Maybe I could have helped you. How are we ever going to win the Quidditch Cup when we don't have you as our seeker? What am I supposed to do now? I thought you were my friend. If I had have known you'd give up then I would never have befriended you. Gryffindors are supposed to be brave. You weren't. You were a coward. When things got a little tough you just gave up.

Now what do you want me to do? Am I supposed to pick up the pieces and pretend that everything is okay? Am I supposed to tell Ginny that everything will be okay when I know that her broken heart my never be healed? Am I supposed to comfort Hermione because she is so upset? Am I supposed to do all this because you were too piss-weak to face your fears and live up to your name? You have put shame to the name of your mother. She died for you to live. And then what? You just end it because things get a little tough? You're not the person I thought you were.

Did you only think of yourself? The whole wizarding world was relying on you. Now what are we supposed to do? We have no savior. We are doomed to the Dark Lord's reign. All because you were too afraid to face up to your destiny. I know you were upset about Sirius. All's fair in love and war. This is a true war and people will live and people will die. He died for you. Just like your mother and father did. They died so you could live on and win this war. They died for you and then you went and claimed your own life without a backwards glance. Do you even care about the wizarding world at large? Do you even care about our futures? About Ginny? About Hermione? About Neville? About me? You don't seem to care in the slightest, if you cared, you would be here. You would be standing beside us in this war, not hiding away in cowardice. I thought you were better than that. I thought you were a true friend. I thought wrong.


	3. Dumbledore's Take

**Disclaimer: **No, I don't own Harry Potter, surprising though that may be. JK Rowling owns the character, I'm just expanding on what she provides.

**Chapter 2 – Dumbledore's Take: **I have added yet another chapter to a story that was supposed to be a oneshot. I don't know how far I'll take this fic, probably just explain the reactions of the main characters and leave it there. Unsure as yet. Anyway, as you probably know, I'm quite into Dumbledore bashing but decided to not make him out as too bad in this considering I know many people are big fans of Dumbledore. He may seem a little OOC but whatever, this is my take.

DUMBLEDORE

I knew what he did to you my boy. I know he starved you. I knew he beat you. I knew he violated you. I knew all this, yet I sent you back time and time again. I will admit to it, I was foolish. But I was trying to do the right thing. I was doing it for the wizarding world at large. I was afraid. Yes, I know, the great Albus Dumbledore, afraid? But it is true. I was afraid that if you weren't forced into submission by someone, if you were broken, then you would rise to be the next dark lord. I couldn't let that happen. I thought everything would be okay. I thought it would break you and turn your trust to me. I thought you would come to me and do anything I asked of you. I was wrong. You were broken too much. I left you there too long. You were too broken to be mended, too broken to learn to trust.

I can't take all the blame though, no, I don't deserve that. In the end, it was you who claimed your own life. It was you who held the blade too your skin and made the fateful cut. It was you who ended it. You left the rest of the wizarding world without hope. You made them all afraid of what was to come. They have no hope left. Their hope was crushed as your life left your body. They're scared my boy, scared for their own lives, scared of the future. You should have held on longer. You should have thought about them, the people who were relying on you, the people who needed you. Did you not care for them? Did you not worry about what would happen to our world after you left? Or did you only care that you didn't have to witness it?

You had a purpose my child. You were not supposed to die. You were supposed to live on. You were supposed to defeat the dark lord for good. Everyone has a role in this war, be it small or large. Your role was to defeat Voldemort, and you failed. You didn't even fail trying though. You gave up. You let yourself succumb to the darkness and misery instead of fighting on and living in a world free of the dark lord's mantra. You had an amazing amount of power my boy, yet you chose not to use it. You chose to waste that power and let Voldemort continue his terrifying reign as the dark lord, instilling fear in any witch or wizard opposing his methods.

You shouldn't have done this Harry. You should have come to me like you were supposed to. You should have asked for my helped, you should have trusted me. That was the plan. Why did you ruin the plan? The idea was that you would be hurt and broken after these holidays. You were supposed to have come to me for help, for confidence. I would have helped you my dear child. I would have helped you save the world from Voldemort. I would have put you to good use in our war, I would have given you purpose. And once we were free from him, I would have kindly lifted the boy-who-lived status off your shoulders. I would have accepted some of the fame for myself as I knew you didn't appreciate it. I would have done it for you my boy. I am getting old, you should have been here to make sure I went down as one of the most famous wizards in the history of the wizarding world. You should have helped me become defeater of Grindelwald _and_ Voldemort. It is your fault that I will not go down as famous as I could have. You caused this mess, and you left everyone else to pick up the pieces.


End file.
